drinking troubleshooting

i borrowed the following from the National Pist, with a minor change of my own near the end.

SYMPTOM: The world seems dull and boring.

FAULT: You've sobered up.

ACTION: Get Drunk.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.

FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.

ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.

FAULT: Improper bladder control.

ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Pint Glass is too Small.

FAULT: You never voted for D.A.S.

ACTION: Get Drunk. Join D.A.S. and fight for the 'Fair Measure' of a Pint.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.

FAULT: Glass empty.

ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.

FAULT: You have fallen over backward.

ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.

FAULT: You have fallen forward.

ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.

FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.

ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.

FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.

ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.

FAULT: You are being carried out.

ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.

FAULT: Bar has closed.

ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.

FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.

ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.

FAULT: You are dancing on the table.

ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.

FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.

ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.

FAULT: You have been in a fight.

ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.

FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.

ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.

FAULT: The beer is too weak.

ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.

FAULT: Beer is just right.

ACTION: Play air guitar.

SYMPTOM: Room spining, vision blurred.

FAULT: Your drunk.

ACTION: Maintain current level of drinking.

SYMPTOM: Suddenly become aware your at the base of porcelain statue.

FAULT: You passed out in the toilet.

ACTION: Check if you've missed last call.(see below)

SYMPTOM: Hear a bell ringing.

FAULT: Its last call.

ACTION: Buy several drinks.

SYMPTOM: Hear bells ringing.

FAULT: Your hung over. Its a new day.

ACTION: Buy several drinks.

SYMPTOM: Hear traffic, bed hard, cold and wet.

FAULT: You have spent the night in the gutter.

ACTION: Check flask, if empty fill it.

SYMPTOM: Head hurts, bright lights, and your in bed.

FAULT: You've wandered home drunk and its the morning.

ACTION: Take two analgesics. Drink water. Wait, then replace water with alcohol and continue drinking.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize the person you're in bed with, or the room you're in.

FAULT: You've been naughty.

ACTION: Check gender of partner in accordance to your orientation and proceed accordingly.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize the room you're in, walls grey.

FAULT: You've been arrested for public intoxication.

ACTION: Go back to sleep.

SYMPTOM: All of the above has occurred, last night.

FAULT: You've been in either Balcarres or Lemberg Hotel.

ACTION: Get Drunk. Rinse. Repeat.